Eulogies

Hi everybody - Tony and Andrea here, with a long post. We're including the eulogies we gave at the funeral mass for those of you who were unable to attend. We hope our words help you to recall mom's spirit and some fond memories.

We also want everyone to know that dad will be posting later with copies of the photo collages from the visitation.

Tony's eulogy:

Any of you who knew my mom even remotely knew about her purity of heart. That might make you think of all kinds of examples, but for me, it’s this one: If you were fairly close to her, like a family member or close friend, and say, you were sitting together or even standing together, and you moved in to where you were both touching, she did this thing where she would just kind of melt. If you look again at a lot of your pictures of her with another person, you can just see that in her whole body language.

Many of you know how special that felt, but when you combine that with the tenderness of a mother’s love, well, the rest of you can only imagine. Then again, I bet her students know exactly what I’m talking about.

There was actually a time not so long ago when motherhood was one of the furthest things from her mind. At the age of 23 she found out, quite overwhelmingly, that she was pregnant with me just four or five months into her marriage to a husband who was still in school. Two years later, she was even more overwhelmed to learn she was pregnant again, this time with a child in the house who wasn’t yet a toddler, and a husband who was still in school.

But in over thirty years, not a day went by when Andrea and I didn’t feel that we weren’t exactly what she wanted all along.

And of course today we still feel that. But on top of that, it’s been such a blessing for us, and such a powerful experience, to be able to talk to people who knew her outside of our own family and look at her bigger legacy. When you step back, you begin to see these patterns in her life story. She was an educator, but beyond that she was a mentor and a guide to so many of her students. She had amazing friendships, and she kept up with them. And then over the decades, those bonds just grew and grew, and drew in more and more people, and she was always making this web of connections between her old friends, new friends, students and family. And then she would go the next step and use those connections in projects for outreach to people in need, reaching out to even more people and making even more bonds.

My mom kept a printed, framed proverb on the dresser in my old bedroom that says, “Keep a green tree in your heart and a singing bird will come,” which I guess is another way of saying, keep an open heart and you’ll get a wonderful reward. I think her biggest influence on people was just that – her open heart. And I know that of course it came naturally for her, but I also witnessed her working on it every day. However, that’s not what impresses me the most. What impresses me the most is that she regarded each of us as the reward she received for keeping her heart as open and as vibrant as she did.

It doesn’t quite end there. You also could tell she was still looking for a little something more. She went into the Kairos student retreats and into her volunteer work always hoping to learn something more about the really big questions, like Why are we here, and What can we possibly do about all the suffering in the world, and How do we work our religious traditions into our everyday life? And while I think the relationships in her life actually reached a certain kind of perfection, her spiritual journey was something that never ended. It was a journey where she saw more in front of her than she did behind her. And so I’m sure she would be so happy, and relieved, to know that those of us here are going to pick up right where she left off. Especially her nieces, nephews, grandchild, and students. Although it turns out that all of us were really her students.

Andrea's eulogy:

Of the many, many things my mom taught me over the years, two stick out. One was to always bring a book to read when I go to the hairdresser, in case I have to wait. Mom couldn’t stand wasting time. The other was to always be positive. Which she taught by example more than anything. When we first learned that her cancer had metastasized in September last year, we all were so scared and devastated. Everyone was afraid to ask the question, how long did she have to live. Finally, she asked my dad if he knew. He looked at her with tears welling in his eyes and said, “about half the people with this cancer live a year”. And she said, “A whole year!?” She couldn’t believe the luck. She had a whole year to enjoy the beauties of life.

As my mom taught me to do, I want to reflect on the positive side of her illness. While it finally took her away from us, it first brought her to us all on a much deeper level. We all got to experience what strength, friendship, and love my mom was really capable of. When she had such bad symptoms that would have kept many of us in bed, she got up and showered, and somehow found the strength to attend neighborhood parties, dance at weddings, tutor a neighbor’s son in math, make her unborn grandson a blanket, go to the store and pick out a sweater for her niece’s birthday present, make brownies for her visiting children, and fly to Wilmington 4 times to visit her grandson. Even if it was just doing a load of laundry or the dishes, my mom did as much as she could possibly do every day, and she never once complained. I am in awe of her strength and it will inspire me for the rest of my life.

In the past year, we also got to experience, particularly through her blog, what real love and friendship are all about. Every one who met her became her close friend. She attracted people to her because she was deeply interested in everyone she met. She made everyone feel special. When we met to plan this mass on Monday, Father Greg mentioned that he felt that he and my mom were soul mates. I feel the same way. I wonder how many other people feel that way. And I think that while we all felt this special connection with my mom, none of us knew how many other people out there did, too, until this past year. The outpouring of support for her has been overwhelming. A lifetime of kindness to all of you was repaid to her during her most difficult time.

I have also been astounded by the students who graduated five and six years ago and stayed in contact with and supported my mom as close friends. So many of them said that she touched their lives in and out of the classroom. And many of them who went on to become teachers themselves have said that she is their inspiration. She has certainly touched thousands of lives through teaching.

And so, the most appropriate tribute that we can all pay to my mom is to learn from her example of how to lead a generous life filled with deep friendships, and there is no telling how many more thousands of lives she can better with her love. Smile at people you meet on the street. Don’t talk bad about people behind their backs. Look at the bright side. Do an act of charity this Christmas. Throw parties just for the heck of it. Love your friends and family with boundless, unconditional love. One day, if you’re lucky, it will all be paid back to you.


Finally, I would like to say a word of thanks to everyone who has been a part of my mom’s life. My parents’ neighbors have been tremendous, bringing food and organizing get-togethers. You’ll never know how much the parties meant to my mom.

To everyone who sent a card, gift, flowers, and food to my mom, she gained strength from each and every small and large kindness, including blog comments. Thank you.

All of my mom’s friends have been so generous and helpful in planning for my mom’s memorial, especially Sue Niehaus, Pam Roorbach, Schwabbie, Patti Haumesser, Sue Burns, and Susan and Jay Jackson. We could not have done it without you.

Dad, thank you for sharing mom with us. You did everything you could to give her the best quality of life possible, to see that she lived to see her grandson and saw him so many times, you put your life on hold, you were caregiver, doctor, nurse, husband, and friend. You did all of this without a second thought, without once complaining. We are all indebted to you.

Mom, I miss you. You were so much more than a mother to me; you were a best friend. I will miss talking to you every day and asking your advice, going shopping, watching tennis, walking on the beach, playing SET, making cookies, and so much more. I will always love you. Thank you, mom, for bringing all of us together.